Marriage is like a game of chess except the board is flowing water, the pieces are made of smoke and no move you make will have any effect on the outcome.

Sometimes the road less traveled is less traveled for a reason.

You should’ve seen her face. It was the exact same look my father gave me when I told him I wanted to be a ventriloquist

I’m 33 years old; I haven’t outgrown the problems of puberty, I’m already facing the problems of old age. I completely skipped healthy adulthood. I went from having orgasms immediately, to taking forever. You could do your taxes in the time it takes me to have an orgasm. I never had a normal … medium orgasm

I have a bad feeling that whenever a lesbian looks at me they think “That’s why I’m not a heterosexual”.

Borrowing money from a friend is like having sex. It just completely changes the relationship.

Yeah, I’m a great quitter. It’s one of the few things I do well. I come from a long line of quitters. My father was a quitter, my grandfather was a quitter… I was raised to give up.

Jerry Seinfeld & George Constanza

The first episode of Seinfeld aired 25 years ago today. Nine years and 180 episodes later, a record-breaking 76 million people tuned in to watch George, Jerry, Elaine and Kramer’s final show.